$1: Johanna thank you so much for this opportunity to ask you questions. I am trying so hard to find peace in my life without drugs and alcohol and its been an 8 year struggle for me. It is my perception that ironically, the relief you may seek through the drugs and alcohol have created a strengthening of the walls of emotional grief and turmoil around your heart which keep you from being able to perceive your beloved. Also, by using substances which create separation and unconsciousness - the forces of darkness are able to torment you as your conscious self is more vulnerable and less able to connect with your heart.
You share with me it has been an 8 year struggle to let go of self destructive behaviour...you were seeking to destroy you blessed embodied self before your beloved left.
$1: My boyfriend died this past January which sent me into a 6 month depression and drug and alcohol binge. To lose your beloved is a great grief. To lose the physical relationship of being in each others physical presence. To lose the ability to touch, see, hear, and smell tour beloved is a great loss to the physical self. AND we have another sense - our sense of perceiving which can occur through the heart and the soul.
We can, embodied feel as if with the loss of the embodied other, that we are alone - and I feel the deep truth of the physical reality and know that there is another reality - the reality of the heart being forever connected to our beloveds.
Each of us must go through this journey of losing in the 'physical realm of time and space' those who are embodied with us. All of us must go through this. This is the risk we all take when we love, we give birth - when we become friends, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lovers - when we LOVE in an embodied state.$1: I don't feel Robert around me ever and I talk out loud to him all the time. I can only share from personal experience on this. If we are polluting our sacred vehicles of consciousness with toxic substances, than the vehicles ability to do its energetic work shuts down. That is why the first step will be to detox yourself. In steps - gently.
Secondly, grief itself, when we align with the emotion and forget the truth of who we are as a soul - can create its own prison cell where we can feel isolated and cannot perceive of feel love. This includes Robert.
I had an experience after going through the Purification Process of perceiving my Father some time after his death. My Father in his last years, was disappointed in me. He had hopes and aspirations of what he thought I should be, believing if I was able to be this way, that I might find happiness.
He left me a letter saying as much to be given to me after his death. I felt the deep pain of not being able to have a conversation about this with my Father. I felt that his death prevented us being able to ever communicate again.
One night I was in front of my altar, praying and meditating. In the depth of the meditation portion, my Father came through. Till this day I cannot explain to you in words how my heart and soul knew, without a doubt that this was my Father. And he said to me, "I am sorry, I never understood what your life was about. Now that I am here, I can see it all, I can see who you are, why you are going through your life as you are. I am sorry."
I began weeping profusely, for this message from my Father, and as I was receiving it, I could feel him as if he was right next to me, speaking in my ear, was life changing.
Will you have this sort of experience? I don't know. What I do know, that if you are in a state of torment, being tormented whilst using drugs or alcohol, or a state of aligning with the grief so deeply that you cannot perceive of feel anything else - you create a block for the POSSIBILITY of the experience occurring.
If I would give you advice, continue to speak with him as if he is 'with' you, for he is. $1: I just want to know if our loved ones that have passed over can hear and see us? I feel I just answered my experience of your question above.
One a side note, I used to say to my mother, "you know even when you leave, when you die, I am still going to be able to know you are with me". And she would shoo away my words. Recently she has been saying as she becomes more elderly, "You know I will always be with you, I might have to knock over a vase or something to let you know, and I laugh and say "And you know I am the one who will know it is you!".$1: I feel like half of me is gone and the emptiness I feel is almost too much to bear. I have felt that loneliness in a reverse sort of way love. I felt the emptiness all my life, and engaged in drug abuse, alcohol abuse and other forms of seeking to evade the unendurable pain of being without my beloved. I went through an intense purification of the emptiness and pain, and with Beloved Julies help and teachings, I have come out on the other side.
I met my beloved after waiting 48 years after going to New Orleans, after Hurricane Katrina, to help in the cleanup and recovery process. Part of my wanting to help others was that my grief and loneliness was so profound. In helping those who lost their homes and loved ones, I was given such an incredible gift by the beautiful people of New Orleans, especially those living in the 7th Ward, I was given the gift of profound wisdom and strength in the presence of devastating grief and pain. Wisdom, strength, integrity, faith in the presence of loss, pain and devastation - all these gifts were given to me...
$1: Ive dealt with suicidal thinking for years and made an attempt after his death.
I know through personal experience, the level of pain people who are contemplating suicide go through. The levels of hopelessness and pain which led you to that attempt, and the forces within you that tormented you to the point where you felt this was a viable option to stop the pain. I am 'with' you. Know that. You know now, since you reached out to me - that something has changed in your life - that you are no longer invisible in your pain.
$1: Everyone says things get better in time but for me everyday is the same. It is my perception that this experience of 'everyday being the same' is because you are in a spiritual limbo. You are not ready to move forward in life, because of your beloveds death, that something is missing, and so, you are in a period of stasis - where everything has stopped. And when all the outside activities stop - there is only the pain.
I want you to know love - that I have taken the time to answer all your questions for a few reasons.
Right now you are so very fragile and isolated in your grief. As such, I am hoping that my words which you can read over and over again when the grief cycles in intensity and it will help you to remember you are not your grief. Your grief is something you are experiencing as a soul.
I am also feeling that your bringing your experience and pain here today, is your soul reaching out - struggling not only to shine again as it is meant to, but to reach out to others, to show the way - to show others that they are not alone in their pain. And I thank you for honouring me in this way, for perceiving the light and love in me. For perceiving the LIGHT and LOVE Beloved Julie has anchored on this forum.$1: I try so hard to monitor my thinking but my negative and destructive thoughts always take over. As I shared in my previous answer, I feel when we are in pain, we can become more susceptible to negative and destructive forces seeking to align with our pain as well as get into an energetic loop of sorts in which we feed off of this pain and re-create it. In this case, your grief I believe, becomes your new relationship with Robert.
This is why it is necessary to find people, sacred teachings, and spiritual practices which can help us lift ourselves above the negative vibrations which can take such a hold on us and torment us through our mind and emotions.$1: How can I start to heal when deep down I don't have any hope for myself? You have begun your healing process today. The moment you reached out and wrote this question to me love. In that moment - even though it was a tiny flutter of hope - you reached out.
You started to heal in that very moment.Blessings.
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